Not all narcissists are obvious.
Some don’t walk around bragging, demanding attention, or openly controlling those around them.
Instead, they operate in the shadows—manipulating, guilt-tripping, and playing the victim while keeping up a carefully crafted image.
This is what makes a covert narcissist so dangerous.
Unlike their more overt counterparts, covert narcissists are experts at subtle manipulation.
They make you question yourself without raising their voice.
They act like the victim while quietly controlling the narrative.
And worst of all, they make you feel like the problem—while they walk away looking innocent.
At first, you might not even recognize what’s happening.
A covert narcissist doesn’t seem arrogant or boastful right away.
They may come across as humble, self-sacrificing, or even insecure.
But over time, their behavior starts to take a toll, leaving you emotionally drained, confused, and doubting your own reality.
If you’re wondering whether the man in your life is a covert narcissist, pay close attention to these signs.
They reveal his true nature, no matter how much he tries to hide it.
He Plays the Victim to Avoid Accountability
One of the biggest red flags of a covert narcissist is his ability to make himself look like the victim in every situation.
No matter what happens, he finds a way to twist the story so that he’s the one who has been wronged.
Even when he’s clearly at fault, he’ll shift the blame onto you or someone else, making it seem like he had no choice but to act the way he did.
This victim mentality allows him to escape responsibility while making you feel guilty for calling him out.
For example, if you confront him about something hurtful he said, he might respond with, “I can’t believe you think I would ever try to hurt you. Do you know how hard I try to make you happy?”
Instead of acknowledging his actions, he flips the narrative, making you feel like you’re being unfair or overly critical.
A covert narcissist will also use his past struggles or hardships as an excuse for bad behavior.
He might bring up past trauma, failed relationships, or difficult experiences to justify why he acts the way he does.
While everyone has baggage, he uses his as a shield—expecting endless sympathy while refusing to work on his own toxic behaviors.
Over time, this pattern can leave you feeling emotionally drained.
Every disagreement becomes a situation where you have to comfort him instead of addressing the real issue.
You might start doubting your own feelings, wondering if you’re being too harsh or if you’re expecting too much.
This is exactly what he wants—to make you feel responsible for his emotions so that he never has to take responsibility for his actions.
He Uses Passive-Aggression Instead of Direct Confrontation
Unlike an overt narcissist who openly demands attention and control, a covert narcissist operates in the shadows, using passive-aggression to manipulate those around him.
He rarely expresses his anger or frustration outright, but instead, he delivers it in subtle, cutting ways that leave you feeling uneasy.
Rather than addressing an issue directly, he may give you the silent treatment, make sarcastic comments, or do small things to undermine you.
For example, if he’s upset that you spent time with friends instead of him, he won’t say it outright.
Instead, he might sigh dramatically, act distant, or make a snide remark like, “Must be nice to have so much free time.”
This way, he gets his frustration across without actually admitting that he’s upset—leaving you to decode his behavior and feel guilty for something you didn’t even realize was a problem.
Covert narcissists also love to weaponize forgetfulness.
If he promises to do something important but doesn’t follow through, he won’t apologize.
Instead, he’ll act confused and say, “Oh, I totally forgot. You should have reminded me.”
This makes it seem like it’s your fault for expecting too much, even though he was the one who let you down.
Over time, this behavior makes you feel like you’re always walking on eggshells, unsure of when he’s upset or what will trigger his next passive-aggressive response.
This is exactly how he keeps control—by making you feel responsible for his moods while never directly stating what’s wrong.
It’s exhausting, manipulative, and a major sign that you’re dealing with a covert narcissist.
He Gives You Backhanded Compliments and Subtle Put-Downs
A covert narcissist rarely delivers direct insults.
Instead, he prefers to disguise his criticism as a compliment, making it difficult for you to call him out without seeming overly sensitive.
These backhanded compliments are designed to lower your confidence while making him look innocent.
At first, they may seem like harmless jokes or casual observations, but over time, they can chip away at your self-esteem.
For example, he might say, “Wow, you actually look really good today,” implying that most days you don’t.
Or he may comment, “I love how you don’t care what other people think,” which sounds supportive but subtly suggests that you lack social awareness.
These statements often leave you questioning whether you should feel flattered or offended.
That confusion is exactly what he wants.
He might also use comparisons to undermine you.
He could say something like, “You remind me of my ex—she was really smart too,” making you wonder if you’re just another version of someone he has already discarded.
Or he may point out someone else’s achievements while making it clear that you fall short, saying, “My friend’s wife just got promoted again—some people are really ambitious.”
Even when you succeed at something, he may downplay it by acting surprised.
If you accomplish a goal, instead of being genuinely happy for you, he might say, “I never thought you’d actually pull that off!”
At first, you may try to laugh it off, but the pattern becomes clear.
He consistently delivers praise in a way that leaves you feeling smaller, not bigger.
Backhanded compliments allow him to put you down without looking like the bad guy.
And if you call him out, he’ll dismiss it as “just a joke” or say you’re overreacting.
But make no mistake—his words are intentional, and they serve to keep you doubting your worth.
He Pretends to Be the “Nice Guy” While Manipulating You
A covert narcissist doesn’t want to be seen as the villain.
Unlike an overt narcissist who is openly arrogant, he plays the role of the “nice guy” while secretly controlling and manipulating you.
He may act generous, caring, and selfless—at least on the surface.
But underneath, everything he does has a hidden agenda.
At first, his kindness seems genuine.
He may go out of his way to do favors for you, offer support, or act incredibly attentive.
But over time, you notice that these gestures come with unspoken expectations.
If you don’t respond the way he wants, he makes you feel guilty for not appreciating him enough.
For example, he might insist on helping you with something, then later use it against you by saying, “After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you treat me?”
His “niceness” is just another way to control the situation.
Covert narcissists love playing the victim, and one of their biggest tactics is making you feel like you owe them.
They create situations where they seem like the perfect partner or friend, only to turn around and guilt-trip you when you don’t meet their unspoken expectations.
He also uses his nice-guy image to avoid criticism.
If you ever try to address his behavior, he’ll act shocked and hurt, saying, “I’ve done nothing but be good to you.”
This manipulation keeps you trapped in the cycle, making it harder to see him for who he really is.
He doesn’t care about being truly kind—he just wants to maintain control while keeping his reputation intact.
He Makes You Doubt Yourself Through Gaslighting
Gaslighting is one of the most dangerous tactics of a covert narcissist.
It’s a slow, methodical form of psychological manipulation that makes you doubt your own thoughts, feelings, and even reality.
Instead of openly arguing or attacking you, he subtly twists situations until you start questioning your own judgment.
At first, the changes are barely noticeable.
Maybe he forgets a conversation you clearly remember having.
When you bring it up, he says, “That never happened,” or “You must be imagining things.”
At first, you assume it was just a misunderstanding, but then it keeps happening.
Over time, you start second-guessing yourself.
You wonder if you’re overreacting or being too sensitive because every time you express your feelings, he makes you feel like you’re the problem.
If you call him out on something he did, he’ll shift the blame onto you, saying, “Why do you always make me the bad guy?” or “You’re just looking for something to fight about.”
The more this happens, the more confused and emotionally exhausted you become.
You may start apologizing even when you’re not at fault, just to keep the peace.
You may begin suppressing your own emotions, fearing that you’re just being “dramatic” like he always claims.
This is exactly what he wants—to wear you down so that you no longer trust yourself.
A covert narcissist thrives on control, and by making you doubt yourself, he ensures that you stay dependent on him for validation and reassurance.
But the reality is, it’s not you.
It’s him.
And recognizing gaslighting for what it is is the first step toward breaking free.
Final Thoughts
Covert narcissists are masters of manipulation.
They don’t always show their true colors immediately, but their behavior eventually reveals who they really are.
Through passive-aggression, guilt-tripping, and gaslighting, they create a cycle of control that leaves you questioning your own worth.
The most important thing to remember is that you are not the problem.
No matter how much he tries to twist reality, your feelings are valid, and you deserve to be in a relationship where you feel respected, valued, and emotionally safe.