I'm Not Just Trying to Get Your Attention, I’m Actually Walking Away [Letter to Him]

Dear Heartbreaker,

I know you don’t take me seriously. Why would you?

I was always there no matter what, regardless of how you would treat me.

No matter how many times I said I would leave, I would be by your side, no matter how many times I promised myself that that time I meant it.

This time, I really am going away.

But there is no more waiting, the time is now. You reached that breaking point inside of me where enough is enough.

I am not threatening to leave you. It’s not one of those games people play to get someone’s attention. There is no need for that. I don’t want your attention.

I don’t want anything from you anymore. I am tired. I am exhausted and I am done.

Don’t think for a second it’s easy. This is the hardest thing I ever had to do.

In spite of everything you’ve done to me, I still love you. But you taught me love isn’t enough.

This love I feel for you is not healthy, it’s destroying me bit by bit, and I have to run for my life before it draws me under completely.

I know that you don’t get it. I know that you don’t see it. Because how can I leave you when I should be happy to be in your presence?

You really think highly of yourself. It’s partly in your narcissistic nature, and it’s partly my fault because I boosted your ego. I put you on a pedestal. I made you the ruler of my world.

I was unaware of that at the time. I just told you how I really felt about you. Somehow, you used my affections and my admiration for you against me.

You felt safe knowing how I felt. There was no risk of me going anywhere as long as I looked at you with my eyes filled with love.

You breathed superiority, and I kind of unknowingly went along with it. You demanded explanations for my every move.

You always liked being in control. You felt entitled to decide for me, to tell me I was wrong all the time.

Everything was always my fault, even when you were the one to blame.

You could spin a story so nicely that you would fool me even when I knew the truth was on my side.

You would say things like, “That didn’t happen,” or, “You must have imagined it,” so it made me doubt my own eyes and way of reasoning. Or you would simply change the topic.

You messed with my mind so badly. I couldn’t tell apart reality from the things you were telling me. I felt like I was losing my mind.

I felt like I had no more control over my life, my emotions, or my thoughts, as everything was under your command.

I felt so weak. Once I snapped out of it and tried to be my own person again, you would stoop so low and call me all sorts of names.

In your words, I could hear that tone people use when somebody is not in their right mind. I think that snapped me out of that nightmare I called love.

I couldn’t stand the name-calling and feeling like a miserable idiot all the time. I put off my final goodbye for so long, but I think this was the final thing that made me want to change.

I tried everything because I loved you more than anything. I wanted us to work. I tried reasoning with you.

I’d been honest about everything. I told you how I felt and how everything could be different if we would just sit down and talk calmly. I was sure we would find some compromise.

You didn’t want to hear any of that. You were always right.

Everything was my fault. I just didn’t understand you and so on and so on.

Every word you said would hurt. Every time you turned your back on us, I started turning more toward me. And bit by bit, I found the strength in me to walk away.

I know you think this is temporary, that I will come back. But you took me to my limit; there is no going back.

Especially now, when I spend some time away from you, it’s like my eyes opened up and I clearly see now everything you put me through.

I feel better being alone than being around you. I know recovering from you won’t be easy, but I know I will manage.

I will work on the relationship I have with myself, I will be happy again, and you will be just a distant, painful memory.

Sincerely,

The girl who’s moving on